It was my birthday on June 27th. Yes, two days ago I turned 35. And I will admit it was a little weird. It felt like the first one where the words OLD ran through my head, or well, hobbled with a walker. But it got me thinking, in a world where everyone is perpetually … Continue reading The One Where I Turn 35… and Don’t Lie About It
It's been a minute since I've written a blog because, well, life. And, to be honest, I've been feeling a little conflicted about my message. Last November, I was laid off from my serving job and I took it as a sign that I was done with waiting tables and on to the next stage of my life as a writer and actress. And everyone walked off into the sunset, stayed in love forever without fighting, and could eat as many pieces of dark chocolate as they liked without gaining any fat on their thighs. THE END.
But the fact of the matter is, that those six months made me extremely anxious, depressed, and more hopeless than the Cavs in the NBA finals. Sure, I had extra time. And I DID accomplish a couple small feats, like finishing my spec script and applying to a bunch of writing fellowships. But the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty about how I would continue to pay my bills started to eat away at me. What was supposed to be the best time of my life ended up being the worst.
It also turns out that I HATE freelance and copywriting. From afar it seems great. You write on your own schedule so you have time to tend to all your creative passions! Except at fifteen dollars per article about E-commerce tips or WordPress Customer Service plugins, which I know absolutely nothing about and, therefore, took a minimum of three hours to research and write, it would take me approximately NINE HOURS to make FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS. It took me about four days to quit that job with a big 'ol, "Sorry, I'm not sorry."
Meanwhile, things like headshots, acting class, and, well, FOOD, were draining the bank. Something had to give.
On a plane ride back from visiting my family in Ohio, because 1- I love them, and 2- I didn't have to pay for food while I was there, (But mostly one, family, mostly one!!!😘) I was watching the movie Paris Can Wait, which is all about food and wine throughout the Parisian countryside. I got such overwhelming JOY from watching the leading man talk about food and wine. Way more than I had felt in the past six months banging my head against my desk urging paid work to come from ANYTHING besides writing about Woocommerce (I mean, what even IS that?), that I got off that plane and IMMEDIATELY decided to go for my level one sommelier license.
I had been talking about taking my level one sommelier test for years but something always got in the way. Now, with no more job excuse, I put my foot on the gas. With only one month to study, (way less than I would have liked) I hit the books hard. Immediately, I felt better. I had a concrete purpose, pass this test. It's the complete opposite of acting and writing where each day you can figure out something to pursue but there is never any guaranteed outcome. Trust me, I've been acting and writing in L.A. for ten years and... let's not talk about it. This post is supposed to be about how I'm NOT depressed anymore. 😜 But with this, if I studied hard I WOULD pass the test. And I had to face the facts, there is a huge part of me that likes and needs that kind of stability.
It's spring! Thank God. I need a little sunshine in my life. OK. Yes, I live in L.A. so pretty much every day is a sunny oasis, but what my life lacked in seasonal changes on the physical plane, it definitely made up for metaphorically.
Because this past November, on the day before Thanksgiving to be exact, I was laid off from my serving job of nearly eight years. Yeah. Thanks for that corporate America. Your timing is impeccable. Despite the overwhelming amount of shadiness dealt out by my former employer at the time, I had an optimistic view of the situation. This would give me the time to finally go after what I really wanted, writing and acting.
Then the frost set in. December 21 was the first day of winter and, right on cue, I started freaking out.
- FACT #1: I had no job but Christmas shopping waits for no one
- FACT #2: I had no job and could no longer vent my problems to co-workers in lieu of therapy
- FACT #3: I HAD NO JOB! OR DIRECTION... Besides playing with my cat. I did a lot of that.
My body froze, icicles formed around my heart, and winter gales blew all my hopes and dreams down towards Shonda Rhimes' office, who probably has like 18 hit shows by now. I even called up a friend I used to work with and cried... about missing my serving job! I didn't even know who I was anymore! My whole world had been frozen, and not in the funny Disney musical way.
The thing is, I was making a lot of money at my old job. This wasn't the Denny's on the corner. This was a five star, five diamond property that charged $48 for a salmon salad! I was making more money than most college graduates right out of business school. I loved that financial freedom, and the first thing that entered my chilly little winter brain was, "Go get another high end serving job."
And I could have. But that would have kept me in my same old "safe" routine. These thoughts were my ego mind trying to keep me stuck. If I got another serving job I wouldn't be creating new beliefs that supported me deserving to make money doing what I love. This part of my winter was tough. It consisted of me challenging every belief that I have and telling it, "thank you, but I'm going to go another way." And this way came with way less money. I had to use every ounce of strength and courage to dig deep down into that barren, snowy wasteland and keep going.
I attended the first annual Best You Expo in Long Beach, CA this past Saturday. And IT. WAS. AWESOME.
But, at first, I came in skeptical because I got the tickets for free. And let's face it, how good could it REALLY be if they're handing these things out like demo tracks on Hollywood Boulevard? (And even THOSE cost $10 if you actually take one. Trust me. One time I was chased.) I received the tickets because I've taken a class on mindvalley.com and they sent me an email. I needed some kind refresher so I signed up for one along with another friend of mine.
When we first got there I still wasn't 100% sold. I was worried there would be red tape, like we could only see the speakers in the booths in the basement, who would tie us up and torture us with meditation until we bought their self help program. But it turned out we had access to everything. Still didn't know what everything was. But we had it.
The first speaker talked about basic concepts like living in the now, instead of the past or the future. I've heard that one a billion gagillion times but, still, it was fine... until he showed us the trailer of the movie he is producing based on his life. Dude, I love your passion, but 1: You had a typo on the slides you showed us, proofread; and 2: your video quality was grainy and dialogue unoriginal. I did not come here to see a similar version of my own life under florescent convention center lights. I wanted ANSWERS.
The second speaker we saw was on the Main Stage and deemed herself "The Happiness Guru." She was a very quirky lady who was OK being 100 percent herself. That in itself is a great message because I'm already second guessing my previous paragraph. Was I too mean? Will they know I'm just joking? Do you think the anonymous guy I was talking about will be one of my 57 readers? Anyway, she talked a lot about not listening to anyone else and following your own intuition. Also, don't focus on money. Focus on what makes you happy. Great. I really like writing this blog but I also need to pay rent. Suggestions, PLEASE?
Then comes Kyle Cease. Whom I am now IN LOVE with. (He has a fiance but does that REALLY matter in Hollywood? Joking. Kind of.) This isn't a physical thing, though. I love him because he is ME. He's doing what I want to do. And doing it very successfully and effortlessly. He is a stand up comic that uses his comedy to make people laugh at reality, simultaneously bringing a transformational message. I mean, he opened with ten minutes on how bad the venue was, calling the convention center an airplane hanger, calling out the other booths making noise. "Alaska airlines flight now boarding at Gate 1," he retorts when when we hear someone talking on a bullhorn off in the distance. I cannot do him justice but trust me, he was hilarious. He then went into the core of his message and I want to share the three main points I learned from him.
- FALL IN LOVE WITH NOT KNOWING
Fall in love with anything that is happening. Remember, what you resist persists. I instantly know this is why I was called to this Expo. He goes on to say that you'll never be happy WHEN something happens. First, BE happy, then something happens. Don't worry about being right or wrong. We only do that because we're trying to get something. If we're trying to get something that puts us in a place of lack and pushes it away. Translation in my head: Stop worrying about how many people read this. I do this because it's a passion of mine and makes ME happy. And like five people consistently read it.
Also stop worrying about what's going to happen. He points out that we get anxious by the thought, "I don't know what's going to happen." That's because we have a belief that we SHOULD know what's going to happen. Instead, feel your anxiety or your control issue, love it, and let it go! FALL IN LOVE WITH NOT KNOWING! That's when freedom happens!
- TAP IN TO YOUR INNER APPLE TREE
We've all heard that we can go inside and access the infinite, unconditional love that we are. That's the basis of meditation, getting in touch with God and hearing the truth from our souls. But how often do we REALLY trust this? Kyle assures us that we all have an Oprah or a Ghandi inside us so stop trying to be successful. Trust and let God and life flow. Stop being addicted to controlling things we can't control. Go inside and ask yourself, "what feels light and expands me?" Then follow that passionately. Stop caring what everyone else thinks! He asked us, "Do you think Elvis passed out comment cards after a show?" Do you think he cared? NO! He was freaking Elvis!
I’m excited to share that I got one of my articles on women and competition published in “Sugarzine”, an online magazine out of the Baltimore/DC area that focuses on women, their careers, and stabilizing what goes on inside these crazy heads of ours! Click on this link to check out the magazine and my article … Continue reading That Time I Got an Article Published
Day 2 of "A Course in Miracles." I've really enjoyed doing these exercises. They may seem a little nonsensical at first, but then I'll have HUGE moments of clarity throughout the day. Like yesterday, I was at a Soundology Lab at Wanderlust Hollywood (which includes an amazing sound bath full of gongs, bowls, and chimes... which also lent itself to a little light napping; awesome because I'm no longer allowing naps in my Time Management schedules. Hooray for multi tasking!) At the end of the class we did a seven minute chant "Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung." (which I just realized was Hung instead of the HUM I was saying when I looked it up just now.) You can listen to this beautiful chant HERE . The point is, these words truly didn't mean anything. I literally had no clue what I was saying (apparently, its about life and stuff) but they made me so calm and full of joy!
I think that's a good thing. If you give something a positive meaning that works for you, great! Just be observant throughout the day of both the good or bad meanings you make about things. I'm guessing this will eventually culminate in us realizing that our judgements may or may not actually be true, and we'll finally get control of our ego minds. But, for now, just realize that the things alone really don't mean anything. Like the toaster I pulled out of my cupboard this morning. Doesn't mean anything... except that I get to eat some toast and that's pretty cool. Damn, am I giving meaning to the toaster now?
Here's Lesson Two of "A Course in Miracles":
I have given everything I see in this room (on this street, from this window, in this place) all the meaning that it has for me.And here's my experience of this!
OK. I promise tomorrow no more cat jokes. Maybe.
Time management is usually my strong point. I mean I’m the one who goes on a trip and writes out a daily schedule so we can fit in EVERYTHING. On family vacays my sister even writes one out by the hour so We. Are. Prepared. But lately I’ve been about as good at time management as I am at resisting dark chocolate with sea salt. Which is NEVER. And now it’s been almost three months since I was laid off from my job. And I still have NO CLUE where my next paycheck is going to come from. I mean, besides the unemployment office, but my pride won’t let me keep taking that for long. And they cut my deadbeat ass off at six months.
Of course, I could go out and get another serving job but I PROMISED myself I wouldn’t do that. It’s my time to go after what I’m truly called to do. And for me that’s writing and acting. But sometimes I’m faced with this huge task and not knowing what I should do first. And then I find myself watching “The Bachelor Winter Games” because what’s better than the regular Bachelor franchise? An international one with a hot French Canadian named Benoit. (And Claire is an IDIOT for not returning his love.)
So this post is more for me than you because I hope by writing out positive habits for time management that I’ll actually follow them. Manifestation, am I right? So for those of you with time management problems I challenge you (and myself) to follow these very simple habits.
#1. GO TO BED EARLIER
I've never done a daily prompt before, but while browsing my Word Press reader to gain inspiration from all the other fun, witty blogs I follow, I saw this word, LECTURE, in the Daily Prompt and HAD to respond. Because, lately, I've been lecturing myself mercilessly.
Not long ago (the day before Thanksgiving to be exact) I was laid off from my job. I went through a whole range of emotions but ultimately decided this was a GREAT thing. I could do all the things I didn't have time for before. I could make all my dreams come true. Immediately. The sky was the limit.
Except for the fact that two months later, I'm not sure I'm any closer to my dream job, and daily errands are getting in the way of my much coveted writing jobs and acting business plan. And I am stressing. HARD. It's like I'm a kid in a candy shop. But instead of eating too much candy and getting sick, I look at my open schedule and end up banging my head against the wall. I SHOULD be able to blog and promote EVERY day. I SHOULD be able to get all my marketing materials out by now. I SHOULD be starring alongside Andrew Garfield in his next movie like YESTERDAY. All while working out 8 times a week and learning Mandarin. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??? Soon I end up in a cleaning binge (because if I can't control my career maybe I can control the mold in my shower) and end up looking like a crazed Julie Andrews.
My best friend calls. She tells me she just booked an episode of “Nashville.” Wait. Not just one episode. TWO episodes.
On the outside I’m all “CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so excited for you!”
But on the inside I’m like, “FUUUUCCKK.” Because obviously now there are no more jobs for ME. Now the odds of my own acting career succeeding are as likely as Harvey Weinstein becoming a feminist and resurrecting his. Or my mother finally learning how to use an iPhone app. Both equally impossible. All pointing to my inevitable failure as a woman.
Because as women we are taught that there is never enough for us all. There’s always a competition. For jobs. For men. For a thinner waistline and an impossibly unproportional bootie to match. And why, with said proportions, do we have to compete with the likes of Kim Kardashian in order to “break the internet?” It’s not fair. Plus, I’m really bad with computers.
But what if there WAS enough? What if we could truly feel secure that there are so many jobs/men/sexy waistlines that we ALL can win?
This post is different today! I was reading a couple blogs by my peers (See. I do know that on the path of enlightenment EVERYTHING can't just be about me.) and I stumbled on a page by louisablog that was not only well written and informative, but also contained a prayer that resonated so deeply with me that I had to share. (Especially since just yesterday I was exploring how to restructure prayer!)
I hope this prayer awakens your own self love (cellulite thighs included) and inspires you to share that love today. And so it is!
SELF LOVE PRAYER