I’ve never done a daily prompt before, but while browsing my Word Press reader to gain inspiration from all the other fun, witty blogs I follow, I saw this word, LECTURE, in the Daily Prompt and HAD to respond. Because, lately, I’ve been lecturing myself mercilessly.
Not long ago (the day before Thanksgiving to be exact) I was laid off from my job. I went through a whole range of emotions (which you can read about here ) but ultimately decided this was a GREAT thing. I could do all the things I didn’t have time for before. I could make all my dreams come true. Immediately. The sky was the limit.
Except for the fact that two months later, I’m not sure I’m any closer to my dream job, and daily errands are getting in the way of my much coveted writing jobs and acting business plan. And I am stressing. HARD. It’s like I’m a kid in a candy shop. But instead of eating too much candy and getting sick, I look at my open schedule and end up banging my head against the wall. I SHOULD be able to blog and promote EVERY day. I SHOULD be able to get all my marketing materials out by now. I SHOULD be starring alongside Andrew Garfield in his next movie like YESTERDAY. All while working out 8 times a week and learning Mandarin. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??? Soon I end up in a cleaning binge (because if I can’t control my career maybe I can control the mold in my shower) and end up looking like a crazed Julie Andrews.
It wasn’t until I was at church this Sunday (I go to Agape International Spiritual Center) that I realized how crazy I was making myself. Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith was leading us through a self love and abundance exercise. He told us to put a hand on our heart and say to ourselves, “You already have everything you need. God is working to bring you greater good than you have ever imagined.” And then finally, “I love you.” As soon as I started talking to myself a giant football shaped lump formed in my throat, but when I got to “I love you,” it was worse than Niagara Falls. I’m not usually a crier at church. I swear. I’m the joyful one who hugs the crying girl NEXT to me. But those three little words, “I love you” broke the Hoover Dam around my heart.
I don’t think I even realized that I was lacking in self love. But it became very apparent to me that all the lecturing I had disguised as “self discipline” and “work ethic” was destroying my sense of self. I had forgotten what it was like to have fun because, in my head, I didn’t DESERVE fun until I figured everything out (like everything, including the meaning of life.)
This needs to stop. Not only with me, but with all of us! I’m currently reading “The Law of Divine Compensation” by Marianne Williamson. It’s a great book about how changing our THOUGHTS about money will change our EXPERIENCE of it. She writes a whole chapter about transforming a negative sense of self so I dove right in like a fish in need of water (or in my case wine. I’m on the Whole30 diet and haven’t had a drop of it in almost four weeks!) Marianne reminded me that getting rid of negative self thoughts is not only important because it blocks the natural Law of Divine Compensation, but also because they AREN’T TRUE. Why would God create me as anything less than magnificent? And if HE can see it, why can’t I? I mean granted, He does probably have way better vision, but STILL.
So what do we do? We must start to shift our mindset to the fact that we are all a conduit for genius. We must constantly remind ourselves that we are enough. That the perfect solutions to our problems is in the works. Because what will lecturing do? I mean, when my mom told me to do something as a kid, I either put my fingers in my ears or did the exact OPPOSITE. Sometimes we aren’t strong enough to do it all on our own, though. We need a little help. I want to share with you a prayer from the book that helped me. Maybe it will help you too.
I feel myself falling into the hole of self-pity, self-obsession, and negativity.
I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I’m afraid and I cannot stop.
Please replace my thoughts with Yours, dear God.
I am willing to see myself and all things differently.
Please send me the miracle of new eyes and ears, that I might know my greater good.
And if you’re not too afraid of drowning in your own tears, maybe hug yourself and say, “I love you.”
And so it is.