DAY 8: The one where I almost quit

Today is Day 8 of Deepak Chopra and Oprah’s 21 Day meditation challenge Destiny and Desire… and already I want to quit.

Let me explain. I LOVE doing this blog. But I grossly underestimated the time it would take getting it up and running. It’s one thing if I just have to write something witty and meaningful every day (which still takes me a good bit of time.) But I also really do these meditations, take notes, and research new classes and ways to explore the subject of enlightenment. So my schedule now includes getting up at 6am to do said meditations, go to work, get home, MAYBE do a work out or new class, write said blog, eat dinner, sleep, repeat. The two times I attempted something social (watching Bachelor in Paradise with friends and going out to dinner) I ended up being up ’til 1am finishing my blog post and STILL had to wake up at 6am. THEN I realized I had to advertise this thing somehow, and started posting on Instagram and researching social media. Which left me feeling one thing… achievement? No. EXHAUSTION.

How do these bloggers do it? Seriously. How do you have the energy and patience to get these things off the ground??? (This isn’t a rhetorical question. Message me or something.) And do any of you have full time jobs? Or is there a magic unicorn out there granting secret blogger money after just one week?

My first thought was, “This is it. Write about this. Surely thousands of people feel this exact same way every day. How do you follow your dreams while also having to make a living? And who even has TIME for makeup or a manicure?” Because on yet ANOTHER un-manicured hand, (Is it possible to have three hands? Cuz I need one) I’ve done very little for my acting career this week. I did learn a scene for my acting class but haven’t had any time to send out postcards or work on the rewrite for my pilot. AAAAHHHH (Is that pulsing thing in my neck normal? Or am I having an aneurism?)

My second thought was, “Just mediate. See what the message is today and just take it one thing at a time.” Eerily, today’s message is, “What do I want?” That was easy. More time. 24 hours in a day clearly isn’t enough.. how about 90?

Oprah begins by talking about how in the first seven days of the meditation we deepened our trust in possibilities as we let go of fear and resistance and moved toward acceptance, embracing the power of our choices. Well, I do believe in unlimited possibilities. I really DO. And I DID let go of fear and resistance. I started a blog I’ve been thinking about starting for TWO YEARS. I stopped thinking about it and just DID it. I embraced the power of my choices. I made sure, NO MATTER WHAT, that I posted every day, even if that meant choosing to stay up ’til 1am and choosing only 5 hours of sleep (I’m definitely an 8 hour girl.) Then Oprah asked if I felt a difference. Yeah. I’ve never felt more OVERWHELMED.

Then Deepak comes on and says something along the lines of now that we’ve done all this inner work we stand in front of an open field of infinite possibility, and in this place we can begin to create a life where our dreams turn into reality. OK. So even though I’m feeling more suffocated than ever I suddenly have an insight. I’ve been in this place before. I always get to a certain place, feel like I’m banging my head against a wall, then divert to find something new. I never PUSH THROUGH the wall. Nevermind the fact that yesterday I was so stressed out I downed a half a bottle of Prosecco before bed, I WILL continue moving forward. Because I’m not sure at this point whether I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, or if I’m just scared of finally pushing down this wall and moving onto the next level. I can tell you one thing for SURE. I’m definitely out of my comfort zone.

So Deepak gave me a (and you) a quest this week. Discover and cultivate my true purpose and destiny. Even this frustrated me because I know this already! My whole life I’ve wanted to be an actress and a writer, inspiring others with my stories. Oh yeah, and making money in the process. But I don’t know what else to DO. So I did what Deepak suggested, turn within and ask my heart,”What do I want?  And what is the next step to do that?”

So I prayed. Hard. Please heart, tell me the answer. And this is what I got, “Be patient. It takes time.”

No! This is not the answer I wanted! But as I started to look at things more closely I saw that I was slowly making progress. A week ago I had zero followers. Now I have 10. A week ago I didn’t have a blog and now I do. I am a writer and I am finding my voice, which is cathartic if NOTHING else. I wish I could tell you I got some miracle answer that solved all my problems. But then I’d be doing you a disservice. We live in a society where we want everything RIGHT NOW, but unfortunately things don’t always work like that. Sometimes we do have to do the gut wrenching work. All I know is I’m committed to writing at least 21 blogs for 21 days of this meditation challenge. If after that I need to cut down to only three posts a week, then I’ll trust my heart to let me know. But until then I’m going to push through this uncomfortability in order to show you that you can, too. We’re all in this crazy thing together, and whenever two or more gather together to create heat then change will happen. So stay tuned. And don’t be afraid to help me out! A like, a share, or a follow will go along way. I mean you don’t want me to REALLY have an aneurism do you? 😜

And so it is.

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